Who Are These People?

I don’t suppose that too many people actually watch Prime Minister’s Questions on BBC2 on Wednesdays. For  anyone who might be considering sampling this small episode of British democracy in action, I am sadly unable to recommend such a pathetic spectacle.

The first PMQs of the year on Wednesday January 6 showed that nothing has changed. Gordon Brown (I dislike referring to him as ‘Prime Minister’, he is a long way from meriting that title in my opinion) continues to patronise the populace and demean his office by playing games at the despatch box. (I don’t mean to imply that all the other members of the house are blameless, but he is the man to set an example – and he fails dismally and consistently to do so.)

The object of this paltry thirty minutes is for any MP to ask the Prime Minister a direct question on any subject for which he has ultimate responsibility, and receive a direct answer. It is apparent that Gordon Brown considers answering any question an admission of defeat – and Gordon Brown does not like to admit defeat.

Anyone who has seen the film The Matrix will be familiar with a special effects technique now known as Bullet Time. In these scenes every movement slows down. Bullets are fired and their path from weapon to target clearly seen. The intended victim, however, is equally capable of observing the missile and, in equally slow, almost balletic motion, sinuously twists to avoid it. This is the only skill that Gordon Brown has mastered.

PMQs should be renamed Gordon Brown’s Bullet Time. Questions are aimed accurately, but he twists, he turns, he writhes, he wriggles. He doesn’t feel them so he doesn’t have to answer them. And, in spite of this brief weekly session existing for the purpose of exacting answers, it invariably consists of Gordon Brown asking the questions.

Almost equally frustrating is listening to the political pundits afterwards debating whether   Gordon Brown put up a ‘good performance’. The usual measure of this is how many times he has embarrassed David Cameron and Nick Clegg – not how many times he has given a sound answer to a demanding question. Perhaps this is one situation where a public phone-in vote would be meaningful.

I watch these thirty minutes regularly with a feeling of deep foreboding. I know I am going to be disappointed and depressed and Gordon Brown never fails to meet my expectations.